What drives me now?

Well.. It's been awhile since my last post. The past three months since the start of the year have just flashed past me, but I'm glad I had been living every moment of my remaining days as an undergraduate by being present to the moment. I know I had, and it's been great fun!

As I lie awake staring at the ceiling, I can't help but wonder how much I've changed in a mere 3 months. When was the last time I rode my bike? For all I know my bike has been hanging on my house wall for weeks now, tires deflated and the frame covered in a thin layer of dust. I used to be able to brave the rains and the strong winds in the early mornings, riding till daybreaks. Now instead, I've been lying on my bed till the Sun rises each day. This morning I finally decided to get up and head for a ride. But as I was sitting down having breakfast, the winds were strong, I could tell from the hustling of the leaves on the trees, I looked across the sky and saw lightning. Without hesitation, I told myself I would not head out today. Tonnes of excuses like "I did not have much sleep last night", "I will be too tired to do my FYP report later" came to my mind. I headed straight back to bed...

My mileage for 2013 hasn't even add up to 2 weeks of training in the past. As a result of my inactivity, I've gained close to 7kg. People still probably can't tell, I'm not fat anyway since I used to be so lean and skinny, but I'm definitely more "normal" now for sure. Even my teammate pointed out that I became more "muscular" and that I'm becoming a "sprinter", well those were just nice ways to put it! Most of the weight gained are also not visible because they are hidden beneath my clothes, around my waist and belly. Much of it due to the fact that, well, I've been drinking a lot lately. This new hobby of mine has just taken over cycling.

I've also gotten many questions from people like "Are you still cycling?", "Huh, why did you suddenly stop cycling?". The truth is, I really don't know. This is something I need to ask myself too. Maybe it's too much of a commitment, maybe I'm too disappointed with the injustice of the result to effort ratio, maybe I'm sick of the local cycling scene. Let's be honest with myself, there probably aren't much more room and opportunities for me to grow anyway, and it's starting to feel as if it's just not worth it anymore. Besides, looking at my peers competing in the Asian Championships this year, it just made me realised even more how big the gap is to the other Asian nations, and I'm not even talking about the big European "horses"yet. I am not saying that our guys are weak. In fact, we are really strong and have done well for big races like Tour de Langkawi, which I am really happy and proud. But with the amount of effort in training and exposure in bigger races, there is still this gap. Perhaps it is down to genes and what we called talent. Some guys can be off their bike for a long time, but when they get on their bike, push to a point beyond what normal people could with months of training. One example I can think of is David Millar. Yes, there is always still potential, but is time running out?

Back to my point, I guess the only question I can ask myself now is "what drives me now?". I still really love bike racing and cycling in general, and I definitely miss riding my bike. But the flame and desire in me have died somewhat. I no longer pursuit to be a professional bike racer. I have also gotten a job offer in an engineering firm, so I have to start weighing the options. I don't know if the flame in me will ever light up again. But for now, being a professional bike racer will only be a dream. Cycling will still be my passion and the best sport that I have ever been competitive in, besides basketball, soccer and tennis. It brings you to many different places and make many new friends. Cycling also brings you closer to nature; it lets you admire the surrounding more than you can in a car, and brings you to places you can't by running or walking. Besides, it is therapeutic. It calms your mind and soul. And it runs by burning fat, not fuel. Well, having said all that, you have to be a cyclist yourself to know it. ;-)